Shouldn't...

"It's not about right and wrong... it's about should and shouldn't...

You aren't enough!

You aren't smart enough!

There is no way he thinks you're pretty enough to even think about liking you.

You aren't strong enough!

You're normal..."

Words and thoughts running through my head. Telling me to question who I am. They're not even telling me I'm not worth someone liking me... no.

They are telling me I shouldn't even like someone because I don't have a right to feel that way towards someone. That I don't have a right to hope for a future husband who will stay strong for me, when I've already fallen too many times to count.

The lies creeping into my head while I'm alone and vulnerable. While I don't have the light of day to tell me there is still hope. When I already feel bad about myself, the doubt and fears of every detail of my life come playing in my head... "you're going to fail, you'll never amount to anything, everyone is going to be disappointed by you"... they are all lies I know, I know that part.

But they still scare me.

They still play in my head on repeat.

I know they aren't true, I've said that part, but I think they are true sometimes.

I ask God "why do you let these thoughts continue to come plague me?" and I don't hear a reply.

At least I don't hear one yet, or haven't seen an answer. I know God hears me, I know He cares about me more than anything.

I pray about what I fear. I pray for the husband who God is molding for me.

And I pray for me, that God will mold me into who He has planned me to be... and I realize...

I realize that maybe that's the reason for these thoughts and fears coming into my head...

It's part of a plan to help me understand that God doesn't see me that way.

He never has and He never will.

He's molding someone for me, who won't view me that way either.

Sitting in the dark and still hearing those thoughts and voices... they are loud and I'm still scared that they might be true, but I know that God is fighting for me and with me and I lean on that with all my strength, because, if I don't... I won't make it...